I feel like I’ve been sitting on the event horizon of my personal black hole. This has happened to me before and last time, I was past the point of no return without realizing it was happening. That was a very, very bad year. I lost my father and two of my dogs in six months. I stopped leaving my house because both my dogs were lost when I went out. They were old, but it still got to me on some level that it was my fault for not being with them.
My dad had, had a stroke years before, and he was not doing well. Losing him was not a surprise but it still got to me. I wish I could say it was because of good things. I wasn’t ready for those. Mostly I felt cheated that I never got to tell him how angry I was at him while he was still mentally able to understand the rage I’d been sucking up for decades. He made some very selfish choices that severely changed the course of my life.
It took me until last year to get over it. You can’t argue with crazy people. Can’t change the mind of anyone who approves of that thing in the White House, and you cannot waste your time, energy, and mental health being angry at the dead. So I let it go. I haven’t forgiven him (or my mother for going along with those stupid ideas of his), but I’m not going to let it fuck with me anymore.
I dragged myself into the light and outside. I made new friends. I connected with people in person not just online. This does not mean I do not think online friends are as important as people I see in the flesh! Friends are friends. Doesn’t matter if you never meet them beyond pixels. Online people are real people (most of the time). Some of them can hurt you. They can use you. They can abuse you, but so can “real people”.
Had a few very good years before my mom surprised me at the end of November last year. I didn’t have time to prepare myself for losing her, but I now realize I’m not just sad. I am angry. Angry that she didn’t tell me she was sick, and she went to enough doctors that I know she knew. I wish she’d trusted me to handle the truth, which would’ve given me time to deal.
Realizing that I’m more angry than sad (or at least close to it) is going to help me escape the event horizon this time. Being angry at the dead gets you nothing. So it’s time for Jenn to suck it up and move on. Be sad because she’s gone, but do not simmer with useless emotions that curtail the outgoing person I know I can be.
It’s time to function, Jennifer.
Remember who you are.